Yeah, I miss it all. Maybe I'll try it again.
After all, this feeling of sadness is comparable to a year ago. So why not?

I feel like getting a weighing scale for food, because my estimation skill is just really bad. But I'm on a really really really tight budget recently. I've quit my full-time job & am now only working on part-time. I think I'm only earning about 600+ a month, judging by the number of hours I've been working. :\

Can I show off my incredible skill of eating 2 whole kg worth of spaghetti? :D IT WAS AWESOME!!!
You know why? Because THAT ended my binging spree.
I've been really stuffing food into me because I felt so empty, emotional wise. After that spaghetti, I realised it doesn't make me any happier at all.
Now, whenever I got the urge of stuffing myself full of food so that I might have a chance of feeling happy, I remind myself of the 2kg spaghetti & I ask myself: "Were you happy then? It was spaghetti, 3 huge plates worth of it. But were you happy?" The answer: No.
:)


Been running for 2 days now, my legs are aching. I was planning to run again this morning, but they kinda hurt too badly. I think I'll run tonight though. The plan: To run 2 times a day. I've got a marathon coming! That's a great motivation and excuse for constantly running non-stop HAHAHA!

I wanna lose whatever I've gained from the binging spree by the end of the year!!!

Overrrrr.

The wedding is over. And guess what? I didn't attend. LOL!

I gained too much weight & I just can't bear people telling me about it.
LIKE AS IF I DON'T KNOW IT HAPPENED? o_o

Binge-ing was my best friend for the last week. Today, I gave her up. Regular meals for today... Baby steps.
Not going to eat anything after 6pm.

I'm super busy with loads of stuffs to rush out. Maybe I'll squeeze in half an hour of jumping jacks later at night. Because I predict a sleepless night ahead.

6 days.

Found this on one of the blogs which I read yesterday, it's to remind myself NEVER to binge again because the feeling of: being over bloated with my stomach stretched out so much it hangs out on the sides of my hips, that's a feeling I don't want to be reminded of.

Plus, I've got a stomach made of iron & steel. So strong, no amount of vomit inducing will make me purge.
Everything gets digested... Great.


Good morning by the way! I just woke up to an ultimate feeling of bloatedness once again. The first thing I did was to step on the scales and thank God, I haven't gained.
I weighed myself yesterday after what I call "The Ultimate Binge" and I've gained 1kg. So maybe all those wasn't really digested after all! :D

I did jumping jacks while watching Friends last night, my arms are sore. That's a good start!

Read many many blogs as well.. All those thinspo made me miss the me 2 months ago. That's before the constant binge-ing, causing me to gain all my weight back in a month. :(
Something to remember: "Easy on the cookies okay. Remember, those are just food, they're not love."

Most of the time, I binge because I feel empty. Even after a big meal, I just can't stop.
Which is what happened yesterday.
I REMEMBER feeling full, then I REMEMBER feeling super full.. BUT I went to get more food anyway.
African children are crying and starving, and here I am wasting food when I don't even need them.
I'm so HEARTLESS.



I have got to lose the weight, wedding in 6 days.
Less than a week.
NO JOKE.

Then another problem arise: Will I even be able to control myself during the wedding and not spam eat all the food? Argh.


Whatever. More jumping jacks today, I must not have 'butterfly wings'.

Stupid binge.

I have to fast from tomorrow, because I just binged again. -_-

Mango
Thick slice of cake
Cheesecake
Can of corn
Bread roll
20 meatballs
Pumpkin
10 chicken nuggets?
Milo powder


I think the 2 days fast triggered this.
So annoyed at myself.

7 days.

I broke my longest record of 47 hours; no food, just drinks. :D
I'm quite amazed at myself really, I guess I'm a person who does extreme things. Fast at an extreme, binge at an extreme, exercise at an extreme & slack like nobody's business at an extreme.

For the record, I've lost 2kg so far. My hands look wrinkly & old but definitely abit bonier. Lost an inch off my waist & hips. I so wanna lose 10kg by next Wed because that's what the pills promised!! Awww. I'm such a cheater.

I've been spending the whole of last evening and night just reading blogs and blogs and more blogs. There's this girl, so awesome she is. She does like 12 miles on the exercise bike! Runs for an hour! 12 miles is like, 19.3km! That's so... unbelievably unachievable for me! D:

I envy her, yes I do.
My body tolerance for exercise: Minimal to nothing.
I think my muscles are not strong enough to handle my weight LOL!


Update on my life: The pasta guy msged me! Hahaha! I think I've thought about it too much till it really happened. :\
Oh well, I'm still kinda scared of him, not sure why. Maybe I'm born weird.


Anyways, anyone reading this? How about giving a shoutout (or comment) so that I know you exist? :D
I love to have company!

8 days!

Hmm, I cheated. I went & got pills. :\

Okay, it's because I'VE GOT A WEDDING TO GO TO NEXT THURSDAY!!! Excited much! & it also means I wanna look good! :D
I actually knew that I might be invited to attend, but because it wasn't really confirmed so I didn't know what to expect. Then yesterday, the wedding invites were sent out & one of them is mineeee! That totally send me into panic mode. Suddenly the constant wanting to eat non-stop just ended HAHAHA! That's great, I should have weddings to attend every week so that this will continue. -_-

Anyways, after the huge amount of food I ate yesterday morning, I haven't eaten anything since. Yay!
Ran for 25mins & did some crunches and stuffs. I woke up to aches all over, but that feeling rocks as well.


Counting down: 8 more days to the wedding! I have got to succeed cause' the last time the people I know saw me, I was at least 7kg lighter. -_-

Oh yah, the pasta guy working in the restaurant beside me don't even want to look at me anymore after I ignored him about 2 months ago. :(
I think it's also because of the additional 7kg.

It's 8.15am in the morning & I've already demolished a pancake & a yam cake.

I've destroyed a whole load of noodles, another croissant, dumplings, more yam cake, 2 hard boiled eggs, cereal with milk, biscuits, some milo powder & a drink last night.

I think I have a problem; I need a short cut if you get what I mean!
This sucks so much, I wanna slap people. :(

Hey, I realised when I get the hang of this, I get a hang of my whole life!
Okay, not that dramatic, just that my hell-hole of a room finally got cleaned up a bit, A LOT ACTUALLY HAHAHA! I can has floor space now! No more finding little spots of empty spaces or less important things to step on to get across the room!

I ate breakfast, though I was only planning on coffee to start the day.
Pastry & an avocado. Maybe that's all for the day, because I'm feeling full. Hopefully it will last till night.

Plans for today:
- Not eat anymore, because I believe the pastry has about what? 500 cals? It's like croissant type with custard and chocolate sprinkled with icing sugar. -_-
(But I ate it because my mom bought it & I don't want her to be sad cause' she saw me taking it out and putting it back at first.)
& the avocado is awesomely fattening with 300cals. Thank God at least it is healthy.

- Run for at least 15 mins. I have a marathon coming up hahaha!

- Continue cleaning room.

- Stretching exercises. (Wanna be flexible again!)

- Random exercise to lose random cals. Wahahaha!


Gonna head off to work soon, I kinda like working because it distracts me from food. Binge-ing always happens when I'm bored & depressed and therefore makes me feel empty.

Refresh.

Yesterday night, I dreamt of you being in the same place as I was. We weren't together, we didn't see each other. Then by chance, we walked past each other, you coming towards me & me towards you. I didn't look at you, I don't know if you looked at me.

Your mom then spoke to me, solemn and serious. "I know we've been trying to pretend or act like everything is okay." I told her I felt cheated and the fact that at first you seem to have no willpower to let me go, then after the 'incident', you seem to have new-found superpower of infinite willpower. She hit me.


I don't know what this all mean, but I can do nothing about it.
I want to be back with you, but what can I do? I can't because it's wrong. It's wrong because it would 'reverse all that that I've done'. God forgives, I should move on. But satan works hard, doesn't he? I'm not even going to give satan the capital s because I'm not going to acknowledge his un-awesome presence.

When I was doing this blog about a year ago, I haven't had this problem. I just wanted to be skinny because I've never been skinny before.
Now, I just want to be skinny, because I know I can.
Everything is about hard work. There's grace, of course there is. I just wish I could be blessed with skinniness as well.
That girl got it, didn't she? :\